Becoming Aware of How You Build Intimacy

When most people think of marriage, they think about love. We meet someone we find physically and mentally attractive, we date, we fall in love, we get married. Easy peazy, happily ever after. Right? It turns out that building successful marriages is far more complicated than what movies will have us believe.

The Old Quid Pro Quo Model

Traditionally, therapists approached the marriage dynamic as a kind of quid pro quo: here is what I want, here is what you want, I will fill your needs, you fill mine. When we don’t get our needs met, then we begin to feel resentments or maybe we withdraw emotionally. This idea is strongly ingrained in our culture, especially with how individualistic and self-hyperfocused we have become as a society. But these assumptions about what makes a successful marriage (as well as self-hyperfocus) do us an incredible disservice.

An indicator of a successful marriage is each person’s willingness to be aware and present with their partner, intentionally looking for these precious moments of intimacy, and being willing to turn towards their partner, emotionally.

Everyone has heard the stats, divorce rates in the US ping between 50-70%. I have known people who have been married and divorced five times, and no, I was never friends with Elizabeth Taylor. I know people who are living in misery and strife because, perhaps due to religious convictions, they refuse to get divorced despite their marriage being incredibly unhealthy. I know individuals who refuse to ever marry, citing the misery, strife, and divorce they have seen all around them first-hand. In 2022, it’s a fair question: why even get married at all?

The Mystery of Love

Back to my initial statement, I will admit, love is an incredibly important element of marriage, assuming one does not come from a culture that practices arranged marriages. But it is the least important element, in truth. Why? Not to burst your Hugh Grant rom-com bubble, but let me challenge you with a question: what even is love? Can you objectively measure it? Does love alone cause a person to make good choices? Or impulsive choices?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking love. It is a beautiful, spiritually powerful mystery, one of the joys of being human and being alive, loving and being loved. If you’re in love, let go and enjoy it. But I would say that even before a couple gets married, they need to practice the ability to look at how they individually build and seek connection with their partner and how they deepen those connections.

In marriage therapy lingo, we call these moments of emotional closeness bids for intimacy. How aware are you of the ways that your girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, or wife reaches out to you in attempts to build intimacy? How aware are you of how you respond to those? Do you turn towards these attempts, do you turn against these attempts in rejection or irritation, do you turn away in cold indifference?

Bids for Intimacy

So what is a bid? A bid is an attempt at connection about future goals, worries, values, or meaning. A bid could be a thought, a feeling, an observation, or an opinion. It could be an affectionate touch, a flirtatious comment, a facial expression, playful touching, or maybe a chivalrous gesture like opening the door for someone. A spouse leans over and whispers something flirtatious in the other spouse's ear. A girlfriend smiles and winks at her boyfriend from across the room at a party. These are examples of opportunities to build emotional and physical closeness, to strengthen our bond, to increase the feelings that we are safe in this relationship and we can be vulnerable and deeply connect with our partner.

When someone offers us a bid, and we reject it or turn away from it, we have attacked the very bond between us and them. A partner who has their bid for intimacy rejected or ignored is less likely to reach out for intimacy again, creating a feedback loop in the relationship. But when we affirm it, return it, flirt back, thank them, respond to them with open-ended questions, curiosity, and intimacy we strengthen the bond between us. Simply put, a strong marriage is built, bid by bid. It becomes a kind of emotional closeness bank account that keeps the relationship strong, and can buffer the couple against difficulties that might arise in the relationship. More than anything else, our awareness of and approach to bids will determine the quality of our relationship.

Imagine a couple is in their home, the husband is reading a book, and the wife is looking out the window, sipping her coffee. "It's such a beautiful day today," she says to her husband. Now pay close attention, because this is a bid for intimacy and an opportunity for closeness, and if the husband doesn't know how to search for these moments, or respond skillfully to them, he could push his wife away. And so he responds in one of three ways:

1. Turning Against: He sighs. "You always try to talk to me when I'm reading, it's so irritating."

2. Turning Away: The husband says, "mhmm," without looking up.

3. Turning Towards: "It sure is," he says, putting his book down, "are you thinking about maybe going on a hike today?"

It's like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure except you live within the storyline. Forever. And how you respond in these moments will determine what that forever looks like. Research overwhelmingly shows that couples who respond negatively or dismissively to bids for intimacy destroy the closeness and intimacy in a relationship, and are on the fast track for divorce or misery. Couples who routinely respond positively to bids for intimacy thrive, even in difficulties.

More than anything else, our awareness of and approach to bids will determine the quality of our relationship.

Research also shows that the most successful marriages are not those where the people never argue or disagree. Disagreements are normal and can be very fruitful and constructive when done with calmness, a loving and positive attitude, and respect. Rather, an indicator of a successful marriage is each person’s willingness to be aware and present with their partner, intentionally looking for these precious moments of intimacy, and being willing to turn towards their partner, emotionally.

These bids for intimacy, when pursued with mindfulness, become a lifestyle. I challenge you to take a look at yourself this week. Not just with your spouse or partner, but with everyone you care about. Are you aware when they are offering a bid for closeness? How do you respond?

Reference

Gottman, John M. (2001). The relationship cure: A 5 step guide to strengthening your marriage, family, and friendships. Harmony Books.

Matt Riegel, EdS LPC